{Wedding Week} Wednesday

Yesterday was spent in a hurry of errands, stops, checklists and then home.  We are hosting the rehearsal dinner at our house and of course, my plan should have been more organized. I vaguely remember telling myself that I work pretty good under pressure.  And I did fine... yesterday. 

Not so this morning. Stress will release it's pressure somewhere and mine came with an unexpected flood of tears that needed to flow out and up to my Savior.

I woke up early, before light, already thankful for what God has done in our lives.  For the privilege of the moment of still and quiet grace to begin the day.  Mike was still sleeping, the fan still keeping the room nice and cool, I snuggled in for just a moment or two more.  

I had tried to get as much accomplished the previous day and I was wondering what had I forgotten?

On the deck this morning, my quiet time and Bible reading took me to John 15 and the truth of abiding in the love and grace that God has provided.

Our group discussion this week at Bible Study from this same passage reminded me that to abide, to dwell in His love, is to remain inside the boundaries that He has given, a place of safety and comfort and provision.

The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

    surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Psalm 16:6

I want to remain in His love for me.  I want to live in a place of spiritual, emotional and mental safety knowing that He is God and He is Sovereign, Ruler over all!

And then I thought of how our boys are moving forward in life and I don't know how to live beyond the borders and boundaries of being a full time mother.

I have tried to anticipate the changes these seasons bring, to plan ahead for how I want to navigate the twists and turns, the uphill and coasting of parenting on the journey faith, family, and home.  I have counseled young mothers to cherish moments spent with their babies, toddlers, children and yes- even teens!  

Looking back and longing for What Was  keeps us from being fully Present in the Now and unprepared for what is Ahead.  

When our little church was planted and I went to work full time to help our family's income, I didn't make the adjustment of being away from home very well.  My heart had been pulsing and beating and living for the moments of taking care of those I love.  The struggle was real and I wanted to be brave and strong and confident and professional, but I was a real wreck.  I had a new normal and I couldn't seem to adjust for quite a while. 

Now what? I've been back home full time for the last two years, but I cannot seem to find my way back to who and what I was before... when the boys were younger and needed me more.  Now that they are men, what do I do? Will Mike and I be ok? Will we grow in our love and grace or simply fall into some routine of co-existence and familiarity? 

Another new normal is approaching. Will I be brave and strong and confident and godly? 

All it took was one little comment this morning. One little mis-read tone of voice to set me off.  I have been crying for an hour or so.  All of the above on my mind and more.  Bitter-sweet and precious tears of love and acceptance and a little bit of fear of the unknown.  

What is ahead for our boys? What is ahead for Mike and me? If God told me, would I want to really know since it would mean a choice for obedience that I may or may not want to make?

I'm just being real and honest, here.  

Truth to tell, 
you feel the same way about trusting God too...

We say we trust God, but if He told us ahead of time what is coming at us in life, would we make the choice to step into it like Peter did and by faith walk above the wind and waves and into His arms of grace or would we anticipate the sinking and falling into the depths and determine that there is no way we want to experience that, turning away instead from Jesus who is our sure foundation in all of life's storms?

Seriously.  I'm ok.  OK!! Really.

I just needed to hash out the turmoil inside in order to find where I want to stand.  I choose to stand firmly planted in the TRUTH and His unfailing love for me... and because God's love for me is perfect, I can accept the future without fear and walk in grace, bravely strong and confident because He is with me.  And all my hope is in Him. 

Olivia and Kyle are adorable together and precious!  
I cannot wait to see where God leads them.  

One thing I am certain of...God will lead them faithfully.  And our family tree will see new branches of love and grace and truth and hope.  God is good.  I am random.  He is a sure foundation.